2020 almost made me self diagnose myself as bipolar.
It’ll admit, it was very hard for me to control my emotions in 2020. I would be happy one minute then in shambles the next. As the world unraveled in front of us, so did I.
On Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter it seemed like I had it all together. I received a lot of,
“Yes girl. You’re doing it. You’re living in your manifestations.”
I really was professionally, yet I still battled with myself because shit just wasn’t right ..
I often questioned, “Am I doing enough?” “Am I doing what’s best for me? Am I good enough? Do I even make sense in my writing?
I had accomplished getting my name in publications that I admired. Even secured a position that I onced only dreamed about with Trap Yoga Bae, a brand I see myself in. Finally, working to help women the best way I know how. Through my words and creations. Professionally I bossed up 2 notches in 2020, there’s no denying.
“And I thank the Divine and my Ancestors for it everyday.”
I’m nowhere near where I want to be, but things are starting to get there.
2020 took a toll on me emotionally. I got so wrapped up trying to make something out of myself. That I stressed myself out. I thought by burying myself in work. Thinking that the grind now mentality would get me to where I needed to be. It helped, there’s no denying that. I have the proof. I just felt disconnected at the same time. I guess I became to much in the zone.
Before COVID hit I was in complete grind mode when it came to writing. I was writing on weekends to keep me busy. Even late nights to keep my focus. Writing became my relief – my escape. Truth is, I was hiding from the outside world and masking my unhealed feelings. Thinking if I spend all this time at my computer, I’ll be too tired to deal with myself. I was already isolating myself before I was actually forced.
It never dawned on me until right now, that I was falling deep in the zone like the movie “Soul” so brilliantly illustrated.
“Lost souls are not that different from those in the zone. The zone is enjoyable, but when that joy becomes an obsession it becomes disconnected from life.”
It’s so easy to fall so in love with your passion that you don’t recognize with your surrounds anymore. I wasn’t that bad, but I could have been if I wasn’t aware of myself. Writing starting to become frustrating for me as months went by. The infatuation that once was started to feel like a job. A job I never wanted to hate, but I started to because I was losing my joy in it.
Along with COVID, police brutality, the economic downfall, and the woe’s of realizing that I’m not getting any younger, also putting me through a mental worldspan.
I had a lot of hopes for 2020.
Being an introvert is enough, but being confined in the house was too much, yet kinda what I needed. When the world was “normal” I was always on the go. Not spending time with the ones who matter the most.
Oh, you want to get drinks? I’m there. Whenever I felt sad, I was out doing something to distract my true feelings. But COVID stopped that. It stopped me. It forced me to deal with my emotions and opened my eyes to what I really needed, which was me, and my support system of friends.
In 365 days I learned more about myself than I ever had known. The girl I was in 2019, and prior has nothing on the woman you see today. It all started with a lot of acknowledgment and acceptance. Plus a few LIFE lessons I needed to acknowledge in 2020.
They say, when you don’t learn the first time. It will cycle right back to you. Thank God I’m off that damn cycle.
Hopefully these tips I embraced will teach you a few things about yourself, like it did for myself..
You have the time for self-care – make time.
Whether it’s scheduled weekly or if you go by listening to your body. Make it a priority. A lot of times I was stressed because I was trying to be captain save a ho to the world instead of saving myself. I realized that life isn’t about grinding non-stop. It’s about taking care of yourself. Whether it’s an hour of quiet time in the morning or a morning run. Make time to live the life that is in front of you because it will pass you by.
My self-care consist of morning rituals, baths, working out, going for a run, reading, or just chilling with my girls. It’s OK to give yourself some time. You give everyone else your time, why not give yourself the same treatment?
Dreams aren’t impossible – they are as possible as you believe them to be.
Having the dream is half the battle. Believing in it is what will get you there. I’ll be the first to tell you, I thought my dreams were too big.
“I’m in my late twenties switching my career to writing and content creating. In hopes that I will soon have my own publishing studio with classes for young women wanting to get into writing”.
A big dream, yes. But aren’t they all? In 2020 I practiced speaking my manifestations into existence. I will become a paid writer. I will work for a brand I love and one that I can help heal other women through my experiences. I will fall in love again and he’ll be in love with me too. They say when you speak to the universe it listens, and when you ask for something that is on your path, it will be revealed… I’m a testimony that dreams aren’t big – they are the divine way of giving you a hint on what direction to go. I needed that.
Being real with yourself will set you free.
Accountability – people are so quick to hold you accountable, but have you been accountable for yourself?
I had to be real about my needs and acknowledge that I am where I am today because of MY actions. Instead of dwelling on what if’s. I learned to accept situations as a learning curve. In all situations, even in the car accident that totaled my brand new car. To losing my 9-5 job. To losing one of my best friends from a petty argument that I wish I could take back… Everything was a redirection for a bigger purpose – for me to realize that everything that happens isn’t always to destroy me.
Thank you for Gabrielle Bernstein’s book, The Universe Has Your Back for making me realize everything that happens, happens for a reason. Whether it’s to make you or break you. And when situations happen it’s OK to embrace it, feel it, and plan your way out of it. There always is a way out.
Learning is essential and everyday has some sort of lesson in it.
This could be the quarantine talking, but I found books and articles so helpful during this time. Mind you before COVID the last time I picked up a book was probably 5 years ago, if that. I now understand why in shows like ‘Handmaid’s Tale” the books were burned. Books hold the truth, they teach you about things no one else wants to talk about. They also help you acknowledge hidden truths about yourself. Mine happen to be, I love to read. It’s my simple joy.
Books like, “I Am Enough” by Elaine Welteroth or “Leap of Faith” by JD Jakes opened my mind to the possibility of self libernation. Whether it’s a book or hearing about what some else has learned, never steer away from new information. We are living in a “woke” era where people are realizing that the truth was really all a lie.
Don’t be afraid to un-learn what your parents have taught you. Times are changing.
Talk to someone you trust. It doesn’t matter who that person is, just talk.
2020 tested all of my relationships. It brought some of us closer. Others it drove us apart. I learned that it’s OK to be vulnerable around those you trust. You don’t have to be the strong friend every day.
I use to be hesitant about expressing how I felt to those closest to me. Thinking about the judgement I would face, assuming shit like I always do. My circle showed up for me more than they ever have in my life, this goes for family too. Every call was answered, they made time for me, they stopped their day to talk me off the ledge, they reminded me of my path, and of my WHY. They helped me heal from denials I was giving myself about not being enough to love or want. They were my superheros. Everyone deserves one of those in their life. Whether it’s a friend, family, BF, or therapist.
BTW: It’s OK to go to therapy stop thinking about that ol’ Black tale that therapist are for the weak. They are for the strong who want to get help.
Life has NO rules!
Well, we have laws, yes. But I’m talking about the rules of life. There’s no right or wrong path. There’s no manual to this shit either. You don’t have to work in the field you went to college for. You don’t have to wait until you’re married to have kids. You don’t have to work at that job if you don’t want to. It’s OK to change your mind. Growing up in a semi-strict, but very loving household I always thought I needed to stick to the plan. That I had to go in order before I tried something new. This is YOUR life and we only get one. Instead of worrying about the what if’s, I decided to just DO IT.
Following my intuition and believing in myself reinforced this. Believing in yourself is so important. Believe and have fun!!
Embrace situations with acceptance and love
I really didn’t start understanding this until the end of the year. Shit will happen, and life will make you either cry or laugh. Instead of hating it or battling the situation learn to embrace it. Embracing situations means taking a deep breath to gather your thoughts. It’s remembering that I am still alive, I am thankful, I am loved, and this isn’t forever.
Not every situation will be easy to embrace – some will be harder to handle all in one day. One thing I learned is that love can be found in prayer and meditation. Praying for a better outcome and believing that it will happen….
Thank you 2020 for helping me remember who I am … I will never forget you….
Rest in doggie paradise my baby Tigger + RIP to those we lost in 2020…
xox Black Daria