Once I found out my attachment style everything started to make sense and I had to unlearn a lot of shit immediately.
Attachment: Psychological connectedness between people that can last for a lifetime. It is the affectional bond and emotional bond we have for each other.
Let me break it down:
Attachments are created from birth. How your parents or caregivers take care of you mold you into who you are today. How they love you molds your attachment styles as well. Every little mishap, neglect, teaching, gesture, lesson given by our parents create our insecurities.
Basically, you can blame your parents for your attachment style and why your relationships are turning out the way they are. Your attachment style mirrors how you were taken care of in your childhood. So, new parents listen up so you don’t make the same mistakes as your parents.
Here’s everything you need to know about the four attachment styles, how they’re formed in childhood, and how to develop a secure attachment style. Everyone wants to be secure, don’t we?
There are four main adult attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant.
Anxious attachment style: Anxious attachment: may become preoccupied with how they are perceived by you and are preoccupied overanalyzing the relationship rather than actively participating. Anxious attachments happen when your caregivers are inconsistent, unpredictable with affections, sometimes overly involved, and intermittently withdrawn. It’s when your caregivers It’s the unpredictable fluctuation between caregivers being emotionally available and then distant that leads children to be anxious about all their future relationships.
Anxious attachments also worry and have high anxiety. To be with someone with an anxious attachment style you must have patience, be communicative, reassure them, show affection, and be a safe space for them to open up to you. If not, you’ll be battling against their insecurities and of the future.
Avoidant attachment is a form of insecure attachment style developed by a fear of intimacy. People with avoidant attachment style tend to have trouble getting close to others or trusting others in relationships. They are usually emotionally unavailable and lack consistency. These are usually the overly independent partners that “can do bad all by themselves”.
Avoidants do just that avoid issues and emotions. In order to have a successful relationship with an avoidant attachment style you must give them space to trust you, be honest, ask the needed questions, and do not be afriad to speak up. They need to know how you feel.
Fearful-avoidant attachment is a combination of both the anxious and avoidant attachment styles. People with fearful-avoidant attachment both desperately crave affection and want to avoid it at all costs. They’re reluctant to develop a close romantic relationship because of trauma from their past. These people usually were let down in many ways and feel like isolation is safer than opening up. They have a need to feel loved by others.
When dealing with a fearful-avoidant attachment, listen to what they say the first time!! People with this attachment style usually tell you from the start that they are emotionally unavailable. The only thing you can do is be their friend until they decide to let you in or let it go.
Last but not least we have a secure attachment style which is someone who has the ability to trust, love, and accept others securely. This attachment style has confidence within themselves and their relationship. Communication and transparency comes easy for them. Before you think this is your attachment style, secure styles aren’t jealous. They’re not afraid of intimacy, nor do they feel panicked when their partners need time or space away from them. They are over the past and ready to live in the present. They’re able to depend on others without becoming totally dependent on them. They are the cream of the crop and if you have one. You should hold on to them and unlearn your toxic attachment style.
No one wants to have an attachment issue. It’s not fun to have to battle your mind every second to not react in an anxious or avoidant way. But that’s what happens when we don’t deal with trauma and try to mask it away.
In order to become secure you have to:
1.Accept the past and let it be. Whatever hurt you needs to heal.
2.Listen to comprehend not to respond.
3.Not shy away from communication. Those uncomfortable conversions are always needed and healthy.
4.Think twice before reacting.
5. Become secure within yourself.
I wish you all of the un-learning you need to become the version of yourself you’ve been waiting for. It’ll take time, but you got this.
xox Black Daria